not climaxingHey Doc,
My girlfriend and I have a great sex life and have been together (and sexually active) for over a year and a half. The sex is great, but I have one issue: She gives amazing oral sex, better than I've ever had before, yet I can’t come when she does it. I often come close, but I either "lose momentum" or just can't for some reason. I haven't had this problem with any other partners I've been with. I'm assuming this is all in my head, but why can't I climax when she gives me oral sex?
JG from Worcester, MA
I think you’re right that this is all in your head. It sounds like the Madonna/whore complex, where a guy psychologically separates sex with women into pure and good (Madonna) or downright dirty (whore).
Oral sex itself can be a very intimate act, but ejaculation during oral can have a porno feel to it. I wonder if deep down inside it’s difficult to imagine yourself coming, your girlfriend swallowing your man juice or you ejaculating on her face. It’s possible your mind is becoming an obstacle to ejaculation because you care about her, respect her and have feelings for her.
I’d ask her how she feels about you coming during oral sex and where you both would like the ejaculate to go. You can also manually finish yourself off when she has you close to ejaculation. She can provide added stimulation when you’re stroking yourself by playing with your testes, perineum or anus. Try bridging manual and oral. While you’re stroking, when you feel like you’re going to explode, have her finish you off orally. With practice and comfort, you’ll hopefully be able to gradually let go of the manual part during oral. Women love seeing men ejaculate just like we love seeing women orgasm. Watch the eyes, though; semen and eyeballs don’t mix so well.
lasting longer in bedDear Dr. Chaves,
First, I want to thank you for all of the support that will lead us to become Better Men. I’m 26 years old and my sex life is just amazing. I’ve read many articles about how to last longer in bed and how to use the stop-and-start method, and how to spread the energy all over your body when you feel so close. However, I found it impossible -- especially after 20 minutes of intercourse and when my partner tells me to go faster.
Last time we had sex, my girlfriend had nine orgasms in a row in just 20 minutes. Thankfully, she was so happy; however, for me, it was not enough. Thus, I want your advice on how to last at least for an hour.
BK, from Chicago
A bunch of guys are scratching their heads thinking 20 minutes isn’t enough -- WTF? How do you know it wasn’t enough for her? Did she tell you or is this an assumption?
It’s good to hear that you’re using the techniques out there (start-and-stop) and showing other guys that it does work if you give it a chance. Honestly, 20 minutes is a long time, but if you’re looking for more, my best advice is to go the tantric route and learn the art of multiple orgasms. You can teach yourself to separate orgasm from ejaculation so that you can remain erect while you orgasm and then choose when you want to ejaculate. It’s a matter of training, discipline and practice. Some people love this ability, others not so much.
I learned this technique a few years back, but eventually I went back to the old double whammy (orgasm/ejaculation simultaneously). If you’d like to acquire this skill, read The Multi-Orgasmic Man by Taoist Master Mantak Chia and follow its teachings and techniques. It’s a great guide to learning male multiple orgasms. You’ll turn that 20 minutes into an hour in no time.
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